Zits, Puberty and Gay Bars
by LittleUnnie
Summary: Sasuke wakes up one morning with a zit, which shouldn't be a problem, but it all goes downhill from there as he begins to discover puberty and the horrors the innuendos that could be found in almost anything. How could it all affect his intentions to leave Konoha for Orochimaru? Slight implications of SasuSaku and SasuNaru and a bit of crack.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Does anyone ever even read these No? Okay. My first fanfic, so bear with me. The excessive swearing is due to the fact that Hidan was here. If you don't believe me, then just look for the "_Hidan was here_" sign written in blood under your carpet. If there is no blood then he probably wrote in in his own urine and it would have faded by the time you go looking for it. But hey, before you start looking around for piss-stains just sit your blasphemous ass down and read my goddamn story! Also, Sai is partially responsible for this fic. **

**Me: _"Sai, no more dick jokes!"_**

**Sai:_ *_Continues _PAINTING_ fanfictions with his jutsu***

**Me: _Holy fu-_**

***Hn.***

It all began with the bathroom mirror, Sasuke glared at his reflection with contempt. His likeness to his brother once made his blood boil and the fact that he resembled his mother also didn't help. But he noticed that day that he didn't quite look the same. His mind foggy from having just awoken, still had yet to process it. Bottomless eyes still glazed with sleep, he first inspected his face for Itachi's familiar eye-wrinkles. His concern for the similarities he shared with his brother were beginning to resurface.

But just think about it, Uchiha Sasuke worrying about his appearance? Now that's just fucking hilarious **(A/N: I told you that Hidan has been here)**! You'd think his looks were just a miraculous burden and that he was too busy acting like he was castrated with a a kunai -with Itachi's name carved into it- and had that same one shoved up his ass to give a flying fuck about what he looked like. Just imagine, the stoic Uchiha Sasuke looking in the mirror every morning, making an effort to look good enough to impress his fangirls (but we're in the wrong universe for that, try _Road to Ninja_).  
But since Sasuke always acted like an arrogant little asshat, the idea of him being incredibly vain could just as well be a reality. Perhaps the too-emo-to-give-a-fuck avenger did have a guilty pleasure for making himself look good. Perhaps his hair didn't rely on the physics of anime, but on gel or spray- or may even be a black chicken living on his head. Perhaps his perfect skin was a result of endless skincare regimes. If you were to ask him how he became so beautiful, he would give you a "hn" or on a good day (if there were such a thing), "superior Uchiha genetics". If you were to ask him why he even owned a mirror in the first place if he weren't going to admit to actually using it, he would point out that mirrors are a non-optional feature of most bathrooms.  
But in truth Sasuke did use his mirror. But only to subconsciously practise his killer glaring skills and to make sure he could leave his home without a face covered in tomato juice or anything else equally humiliating. A few days earlier he learnt why Naruto's milk-moustache was so amusing to Kakashi. He still cringed at that memory.

That morning it was not eye-wrinkles that caught Sasuke's attention, nor was it permanent marker doodlings that he expected Naruto to someday attempt (and fail, miserably) to draw on him in his sleep. It was a far more dreaded facial flaw. Sasuke of all people, had a zit on his forehead. A firetrucking zit.

Congratulations Sasuke, you just hit puberty. And at thirteen! Still a lot earlier than Naruto would anyway **(A/N: Sai nods in agreement)**. Next thing you know he might stop being so dickless **(Sai: _because that's Naruto's job_)** and pay some "attention" to Sakura, or Naruto. Kami knows what team this kid played for!

Sasuke had always assumed that something as small and pathetic as a zit wouldn't bother him. Well it did. He thought that Naruto's choice of clothing was an eyesore, but this didn't compare with this zit. A flamboyant excuse for shinobi attire could never compare with an otherwise flawless ivory face adorned with a red, puss-filled third-eye located between the brows, just below where his Konoha headband would rest.  
He felt like an idiot for dwelling on it and panicking for a brief moment. It was something he would expect someone like Sakura, Ino or even Naruto to do. He decided to just ignore it and move on. It was not like he had anyone to seek approval from. He didn't care about those fangirls, especially not Sakura, didn't he? After all, he was an avenger. A pubescent, pimple-faced avenger.


	2. Chapter 2

As he approached the usual meeting place, the bridge, Sasuke began to consider the expected reactions from his teammates about the third Sharingan protruding from his forehead. He could have lowered his headband a tiny bit or brushed his bangs forward, but it was too late now. Screw it, this might actually be interesting.

The other two appeared to behave as per usual as Sasuke approached in his usual careless demeanour, both hands in pockets. There he was greeted by Sakura looking as thirsty as ever but trying too hard to hide it with her innocent schoolgirl act and Naruto's blank nod of acknowledgement that basically said "Hey teme, I hope no one notices the sexual tension between us so I'm going to ignore you in hope that no one suspects anything" **(A/N: good luck with that one Naruto...)**. This lasted for a moment at least. Within nanoseconds both their once calm faces melted with realisation, sweatdrops appearing instantly. Just as expected, Sakura was panicking while Naruto rolled on the ground laughing. Sasuke could almost see the black and white inner-Sakura flailing, making strange chibi faces and screaming. Naruto just continued to roll around like Akamaru with fleas, or Jiraiya after being pepper-sprayed by Tsunade.

Sasuke just stood there observing the reactions of his teammates. Sakura was now a half-dead mess, her soul drifting from her body through her gaping mouth. Naruto was still laughing. Sasuke didn't really understand. He knew that everyone had very high expectations of him, but did that really mean that he wasn't allowed to have minor skin problems like everyone else?

Sakura began to frantically rummage through a backpack she conveniently had with her. There she pulled out what Sasuke could only identify as the many skin products that he noticed girls his age tend to waste copious amounts of money on. There she shoved into him an armful of a assorted bottles of strange liquids and potentially dangerous chemicals. Sasuke didn't know how to react. He thought it would be more dignified to just stand there dumbfounded for a few moments. He wasn't sure whether to be pissed off or not. What he also didn't understand is why Sakura would carry so many of these products with her during missions. As far as he knew, Sakura's skin was perfect. Wait, never in his life had Sasuke strung together the words "Sakura", "skin" and "perfect" in the same line of thought. This day just continued to get more interesting. At that he smirked inwardly, yet doubtfully.

It turned out that along with having a large forehead, Sakura was very self-conscious about her skin. She carried around a small bottle of hand sanitiser with her to use on her face whenever she felt the presence of dirt or grease. The sweat from training and fighting bothered her, she was addicted to the feeling of being clean. If there was anything that bothered her more about her forehead than its size, it was the blackheads. She was already "billboard-brow", the last thing she wanted was for Ino to promote her to "cornbread forehead".

Back to reality, Sakura was beating the shit out of Naruto for laughing, as expected. At this time, Sasuke would usually be leaning of the railing of the bridge, waiting for his sensei and thinking about revenge. Instead, he stood there blankly with an armful of bottles filled with Kami-knows-what, observing the behaviour of his teammates. He pondered on how the academy must have had fun selecting his team. Was it all a game of "let's pair the emo with a colourblind jinchuuriki with ADHD and a control-freak fangirl with cotton candy for hair just for shits and giggles"?  
He almost smirked at that thought until finally, _"POOF!"_


	3. Chapter 3

At last Kakashi was here. Being the public-porn-reading-perv he was, Sasuke's new-found hypothesis was that the reason why Kakashi-sensei was always late would somehow involve women (or men, but Kakashi seemed to lean more towards being straight) and possible the hot springs. Sasuke really felt like ripping out his own spinal cord at that thought. His mind had been venturing towards the gutter within the last few days. First the milk-moustache, then the permanent marker, then Sakura and now this.

At his arrival, Kakashi nonchalantly read his adult novel, mask hiding possible nosebleeds (Sasuke's new theory) while making up some bullshit excuse for being late. It somehow involved an ostrich, three eunuchs and a monkey wrench. Sasuke then wondered if Kakashi was a eunuch and that he read Icha-Icha to compensate for his lost masculinity. Although he had considered Chiidoring whatever part of his brain said that, he had to admit that was somewhat amusing.

After Kakashi opened his one exposed eye from a signature eye-smile, he immidiately noticed Sasuke's "affliction" and smirked behind his mask.

"Look's like someone here is finally growing up, or just has poor hygiene."

Both Sakura and Sasuke turned to Naruto, as they only noticed the part about poor hygiene which would be more commonly attributed to the orange dobe. "

"I didn't mean Naruto, I highly doubt that his balls would have dropped yet." **(A/N: this line has Sai's seal of approval)**

Sakura look disgusted at that remark but inwardly giggled. _"How the fuck would he know anything about Naruto's balls, and mine for that matter?"_ thought Sasuke. He made a mental note to _quadruple_-check his bathroom for cameras and strange chakra signatures in future.

At that comment, Naruto just pouted and squinted his eyes at his sensei. He knew he couldn't argue his way out of that one. Not without pulling his pants down at least (which would only prove Kakashi's point).

"I believe it's time we had 'the talk'" Kakashi continued.

Well that escalated quickly. Wait...oh fuck no. Not "the talk". The academy already put Team 7 and everyone else they knew through that. They had to start the seminars a year early because Naruto started to parade around with his Oiroke no Jutsu and ruined everyone's innocence. It wasn't that bad, being told these things in a large group, but reliving the trauma in a much smaller group of four with Pervy Sage Junior. Fuck-to-the-no.

Kakashi gleefully eye-smiled at the horror evident on their faces. Sasuke and Naruto hadn't looked that shocked since their "incident". They still hadn't heard the end of their accidential "Bi-curious no Jutsu" from Kiba. Sasuke shuddered at the realisation that it had happened a second time now, when their hands were glued together. That was three days that Sasuke did not want anyone to hear of, but now that he was prompted to think about it, it could have been worse.

"No, not THAT talk. I meant the coming-out-of-the-closet talk."

Sakura just dropped dead. Sasuke had only just learnt the meaning of that expression from Kiba's recent taunts. Oh Kami, no. Kakashi-sensei did not just go there! Sasuke thought that he may as well just join Sakura on the floor. Wait, that sounded dirty. Fuck, there was just no winning here. _"Still doesn't make it a bad idea" _said a voice somewhere in the corners of his mind. No, Just no!

Kakashi began to recite his newfound favourite lecture, "Now remember, especially you Sasuke, it's okay to be..."

Sasuke tried to block out the sounds of his sensei losing his already-dwindling dignity. He settled for his familiar spot, the railing of the bridge. He face-planted on it with a loud "clank". His aching brain cells were saved by his headband. Sasuke spent the next five minutes resting his head on the railing, trying to summon his chakra to his ears to drown out the noise or something like that. The speech finally ended with something like "...and that's why I would personally prefer to be uke", which Kakashi explained quite matter-of-factly.

Finally it was over. Sasuke resumed his no-fucks-were-given attitude as if nothing happened. Naruto on the other hand suffered from severe shock, having just heard every word of the lecture. Just as Kakashi thought, _"Uke."_

"Anyway, the reason I'm telling you all this is because your mission today is to act as bouncers for Konoha's number-one gay bar." Kakashi explained much too calmly.

The two Genin still standing each dropped their jaws to the ground.

**_Orochimaru: "__Konoha has a gay bar?! Why didn't anyone tell me?" *does weird tongue thing*_**

**_Kabuto, we're going on a road trip...again!_**


	4. Chapter 4

That evening, Sasuke walked home feeling violated. Lady Tsunade must have been drunk when she assigned Team 7 that mission. What idiot assigns bouncer duty to thirteen-year-olds? Sasuke heard things from that bar he never could of thought of himself, and he thought his mind was tainted. At one point he swore he saw Gai-sensei enter in a trench coat and fedora. That idiot should have remembered a pair of sunglasses, those eyebrows were unmistakable.

Sasuke's colon ached at the thought of the things he heard the men in there talk about, most of which was incoherent as they were drunk. Ever since he got this stupid zit his mind continued to become decreasingly innocent. In fact, it was before that. It was that morning about a week ago when he felt different. Not sick, just strange. Like his body was somehow rearranging itself, cell-by-cell. He assumed it was a late side-effect of his curse mark.

Wait, what?

That was it, it was all Orochimaru's doing. That sick bastard not only gave him the word's deadliest hickey, but probably also injected him with some weird chemicals or hormones like some genetically modified chicken (such as the one living on Sasuke's head). Was this all a sick pedo ploy to turn Sasuke into a horny uke so Oro-slut could "take his body" in return for power. Sasuke thought he was going to be sick.

At this sudden realisation, Sasuke ran the rest of the way home and hid under his covers like he did in the first few months of his previous psychological trauma all those years ago. Sasuke remembered the old "cocoon trick" he had taught himself during the winters when he was younger, in which he would virtually turn himself into a human-blanket-burrito to keep warm. This was perhaps one of the most tragic and pitiful sights in Konoha at this time; the infamously emotionally detached Uchiha Sasuke seeking comfort, huddled in blankets. His typically soul-penetrating eyes now resembled those of a kitten in dim lighting, pupils expanded in shock. Little did he know that in his most vulnerable moment since the last time he saw his brother, Sasuke looked almost "molestable" to people of the likes of Orochimaru...and Sakura.

This week had been so mentally scarring. He thought he lost his innocence when Itachi murdered his clan, but not like this. If this was one of the many traumas of becoming an adult, then Sasuke wanted no part in it. Fuck revenge, he would rather hide in his bed for the rest of his life. That night he wanted to let go of all his well-kept dignity and cry himself to sleep, but he couldn't. That part of him ran dry so many years ago. If this were some cruel genjutsu, then Sasuke wanted out. He made the handsign, "release". Nothing, at least he thought so. But still, fuck revenge, fuck Orochimaru (not literally he reminded himself). He would rather stay in Konoha and risk getting jumped by Sakura if that meant protecting his butthole from the creepy snake man. Sasuke then noticed an innuendo involving "snakes". _"Fuck, not again!" _

For the next few days, Sasuke forgot about Itachi. He was too busy hiding in his room, plotting revenge against pedo gaylord, Orochimaru. He decided that he would allow himself to train under Orochimaru (he needed the time out of Konoha anyway, Sakura and Naruto were beginning to make Sasuke question his asexuality) and eventually murder him when he "makes a move" on him. He was sure Kabuto would be enough of a clingy and possessive little manbitch to prevent that from happening at all costs, so Sasuke was sure his ass would be safe as long as there were other bishonen-types around. "_That guy with all those arms should also keep him distracted, Kami knows what he uses them for." _

_"Oh fuck off brain!"_


End file.
